Divorce It is what we are trying to avoid as we learn how to strengthen marriages. It’s unfortunate, but 40 to 50 percent of first-time marriages will end in divorce (The State of Our Unions Marriage in America 2012, 2012). I think because of this it is important for us to realize one of the big consequences that result from dissolving a marriage.
Single Parent Homes
I raised my son for eleven years as a single parent. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and family is a huge focus in the teachings. Within the church they have outlined the importance and set the standard for families in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, where it states “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” I also love to read and have heard many of the statistics about children being raised in a single parent home. Because of this, I had many emotional struggles worrying about the fate of my own son.
What was to be done? The statistics are very clear. Children who live in single parent homes have a higher chance of negative life outcomes than children who live in a home with two married parents (The State of Our Unions Marriage in America 2012, 2012). My son is more likely to struggle with poor academics, emotional problems, poor self-esteem, and poor social skills (Amato, 2005).
Increasing interventions to strengthen marriages is one answer to reducing this problem, yet that didn’t help me or help those who are already in the situation of raising a child or children on their own. Thankfully, within the research, there is good news. The best predictor of a child’s emotional and social well-being is the quality of parenting, regardless of being in a single-parent or married parent home (Amato, 2005).
Do your best to be a quality parent despite your circumstances.
Many times, as a single parent, your time is limited trying to make ends meet. It is important to invest what time you have with your children. An investment results in a return. Henry B. Eyring has a wonderful talk about what it means to invest your time rather than spend it. I found this talk very helpful when I was single and always saw positive results when I followed his counsel. You can find the talk here.
Reduce the exposure to stress that the child receives. Children from single parent homes have greater exposure to stress (Amato, 2005). This includes conflict with the other parent. I know this can be difficult as divorce is the product of many hard feelings, but children fare better when the non-custodial parent is involved and they don’t feel as if they are caught in the middle of their parents negativity (Amato, 2005). Strive for a cooperative parenting situation where you work together for the child’s benefit.
These are only a couple of strategies to becoming a more quality parent. It’s important to take time to learn all you can to help, because being a single parent is hard. You are limited on time and resources. If you yourself are not a single parent but know someone who is, help. Reach out to offer a supportive hand. Encourage them and help them find those resources that will improve the quality of parenting.
If you are still married, struggling to decide if divorce is the answer, consider the facts. We cannot predict the future. We cannot determine the outcome. However, we can be aware of the possible consequences. Dallin H. Oaks advices when thinking about divorce, “Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims.” You can read his full talk here.
I cannot determine if you should divorce, but I can say fighting to strengthen your marriage is worth the effort. Not just for you, but for your children who will be greatly impacted by your decision. In the talk by Dallin H. Oaks, he quotes from a study, ““no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later.” Fight for that happy marriage and fight for your children.
There is hope. We can start today building for that future. As Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in his talk, we are eternal beings. Endings are not in our destiny. There is hope for the future of your marriage and hope for the future of your children.
References
Amato, P. R. (2005). The Impact of Family Fromation Change on Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96. Retrieved January 2020, from https://www.jstor.org/stable/3556564
(2012). The State of Our Unions Marriage in America 2012. Institute for American Values. Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project and Institution for American Values. Retrieved from http://www.stateofourunions.org
Auntie Angie's Advice 