Think of your spouse…. not yourself.

Making a marriage work is surprising simple.

What? That cannot be right. No way is making marriage work simple. Marriage is so hard!!!

However, Dr. John Gottman PhD, leading marriage expert, has studied relationships for years and along the way changed his research from predicting divorce to researching how to prevent it. I personally have used some of his strategies in my own marriage. Those strategies worked, but they definitely aren’t easy. So, I pondered his words. Making a marriage work is surprisingly simple.

Simple, not easy. Simple, is something I can accept.

Gottman states that couples who are happy in their marriage aren’t smarter or richer or more of anything. They simply have found a dynamic that keeps the natural negative feelings we have from overwhelming the positive ones. Within happy marriages, couples worry more about the other’s needs. This makes so much sense to me. Putting my husband first, while hard at times, is a simple concept.

Lynn G. Robbins, a leader in my church stated when discussing marriage, “It is a pure love that puts another higher than self. This pure love is the same love that should exist between husbands and wives.” (You can read his talk here.)

My husband and I both were married in our twenties and later divorced. These divorces, as well as the realities of life, gave us both a full set of baggage that we brought with us when we married each other. We love each other, but we were a bit delusional thinking we weren’t going to have a lot of conflict. When the conflict hit, it hit hard, and I’ll be honest. IT WAS AWFUL!!

Two things saved us, a good counselor and college marriage classes. It was here that I learned about Gottman and his principles for an effective marriage. (You can learn more about his 7 principles here.) He teaches about the four horsemen, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I am guilty of all of these.

• Criticism – expressions of negativity towards another’s character.
• Contempt – disrespect, this can be name-calling, eye-rolling (unfortunately, I do this way too often), sarcasm (this one too), and mockery.
• Defensiveness – defending one’s self. While this seems natural, research shows it is ineffective and is actually a way to blame the other person. “It’s not me. It’s you.”
• Stonewalling – acting as if you couldn’t care less.

Thinking of the other person is the antidote to all of these.

• Not attacking your spouse’s character because you know it will hurt them.
• Not being disrespectful, because, well… of course it will hurt them.
• Refraining from defending yourself, making yourself see their side of the argument.
• Listening attentively, making sure they know you care about what is bothering them.

We strengthen our marriage when we learn to love as Christ loves. His love is pure. He has put the whole world before himself. Think about what you are arguing about. What is its purpose? Can it be handled in a different way? Can you control your natural instincts to spew negativity in order to spare hurt feelings? Can you work towards rephrasing complaints, so they don’t come off as criticism? Can you put the feelings of your spouse above your frustration?

Caring about your spouse’s needs and serving them will create positive feelings and build your connection with each other. This helps strengthen the friendship between the two of you, which will help you weather many storms. A strong friendship will help you be successful at avoiding the negative and focus on the positive. So, find ways to put your spouses needs first. With both of you doing this, you will surely strengthen your marriage.