I have always lived my life by the philosophy that knowledge is power. With knowledge, you can conquer the world. I continue to believe this wholeheartedly. Within marriage, knowledge is definitely powerful, but learning about your spouse’s likes and dislikes can help you increase the quality of your marriage and give you the strong foundation in which to conquer trials that will threaten your bonds.
It is important to know your spouse. You need to not only know the basics about them, favorite food, color, hobby, etc., but you need to reach further and get to know them on a higher level. Make time and take time to get to know their soul. The things that make them tick. Find out what it is that makes them hurt, makes them happy, and causes them fear. Learn about the most important events in their lives and what they hope for in the future.
Dr. John Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, calls this the process of building your Love Maps. Your Love Map is the part of the brain where you store all the important information regarding your spouse. As you learn more about the little things in your spouse’s life, it builds a strong foundation for friendship and intimacy. (You can learn more about Gottman’s Love Maps here.”
My husband and I had a whirlwind courtship. We married fast, something I swore I would never do. However, I prayed about it and it felt right. I knew I was going to marry him soon after our first date while sitting in the Temple. We also had spent a lot of time together within that short time. We knew enough about each other to know we had the same basic beliefs, long term goals, and desires for our family. While it was a great base, I wasn’t sure it was going to be enough to keep us going once the “honeymoon phase” wore off.
Most relationships start out with the “crush”, “puppy dog love”, or “honeymoon” phase of love. It’s the easy, involuntary part of love. Eventually, that will wear off and the real work of love begins. My husband and I hit that moment. We have busy lives. I work and go to school. He works a demanding job. We have children. We also help take care of my father and his farm. Once the routine of marriage settled in, we stopped communicating as much as we had before. Somehow, we realized we experienced more peace in our home when we took time to talk more.
During this time, we decided to start up a regular date night where we promised to be more open with each other. I cannot emphasize enough how much this helped us. We would talk about our hopes and dreams, our past experiences, and our love for each other. Dr. Gottman states that this is not only building Love Maps, but it is also nurturing our fondness and appreciation for each other. (You can read about building fondness and appreciation here.)
One of the prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B Hinkley stated:
“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with Him in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another” (You can read the full talk here.)
We are going to hit those moments in our lives where it is harder to love our spouse than we want it to be or ever thought it would be. Our lives will change and grow in directions that we never anticipated. It is important to put in the work to keep your marriage strong. It is important to continue to learn about your spouse. Many answers to your questions are likely to change as we go through life’s experiences and trials.
My husband and I have started asking questions to specifically map our love for each other. We even downloaded the Gottman Cards App on our phones. We are learning that truly knowing each other is an absolute blessing. The friendship and intimacy we are building together is strengthening our marriage. Our continually growing store of knowledge gives us the power to bend through the storms that attack our love.
Auntie Angie's Advice 