Turn Toward Your Spouse with Faith

“Is our faith a vibrant and ennobling power in our lives? Or do our complaints and discomforts eclipse any vision of the eternal?” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD

It is so easy for us as human beings to turn inward. We have a tendency to think of ourselves, our own perspectives, our own needs, our own desires. It is a natural notion to work towards the things we want in life, even in marriage. However, facing inward will do nothing to improve and strengthen a marriage. In reality, it can quite possibly destroy it.

It is important to learn to turn towards your spouse in marriage. When we turn towards each other in marriage we create shared meaning, which improves the relationship as well as family life. When couples first say the words, “I do,” they tell themselves that they are going to stick with this person they are marrying “no matter what.” They think there is no situation that will ever make them even think of leaving. At least, I know that is what I thought.

I was also super naïve, despite this being my second marriage. There was a moment about four months into my marriage, that I had myself convinced that I had made a major mistake. I thought I should never have married my husband. I feared he was completely wrong for my life and my son’s life. I was devastated and not sure what to do. I had almost allowed my complaints and discomforts to eclipse the eternal view of my marriage. Thankfully, my faith kicked in. I got down on my knees and prayed as I never have before. I searched through scriptures and read through talks given at General Conferences for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (This is where my church leaders address the entire church twice a year.).

It was fairly quick that I got the same answer that I received before marrying my husband. My husband is a good man. We have the same goals. He loves God and has great faith. He was who I was supposed to marry. I should stay married to him. Marriage takes faith. We need to have faith in our Heavenly Father. We need to have faith that he is working things for our own good. I know he brought my husband and me together for a purpose far greater than even I understand. We are great together when we put the effort into our marriage. I needed that reminder. I needed to allow my faith to be a vibrant and ennobling power in my marriage. I also need to remember that it is Satan who wants me to stay focused on the things that are irritating and frustrating. He wants me to focus on my own needs and no one else’s.

Relationship and marriage expert, Dr. John Gottman, has seen in his research of couples, that when they turn towards their spouse, connecting in the everyday little moments, are more likely to have happy marriages. It is crucial for couples to understand the importance of these moments. They allow your spouse to know that they are valued in the hubbub of everyday life. It is thinking of your spouse first instead of yourself. My husband demonstrated this perfectly last night. He came home from a long day at work. My anxiety was high, and I was grumpy the moment he walked in the door. After giving me a kiss and seeing my mood, he made sure no one would bug me for a full hour. He knows when my anxiety is high, I need alone time. He took care of me before taking care of himself.

When I was searching for an answer about what I should do in my marriage, I came across a talk by one of my church leaders, Jeffrey R. Holland called “How Do I Love Thee”. This quote changed how I was handling things:

 “True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves. That is Christ’s great atoning example for us, and it ought to be more evident in the kindness we show, the respect we give, and the selflessness and courtesy we employ in our personal relationships.”

I started focusing more on my husband’s needs. I controlled my own desires and worked toward showing him how much I loved him. Things began to get better. I started seeing him in a kinder light. He also started softening towards me. We started moving back to those beginning days when we couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be apart. Nothing we did for each other was huge. It was little things, like making him a lunch for the next day and him doing the dishes while I worked on homework. All we did is turn toward each other instead of away from each other.

Eventually, we got to a good place to have a conversation and work through the bigger issue. Turning towards each other enabled us to have this tough conversation, as well as strengthening our relationship. Sometimes, you just need to hold to your faith and follow our Saviors example to get there. Trust in your Heavenly Father. Turn towards your spouse. It truly will strengthen your marriage.