“Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” C.S. Lewis
Everyday, we all battle with the temptation of pride. Who doesn’t want to elevate themselves above another and KNOW we are the one who is right? But… Is it right? No. Pride is a sin; a sin against our Heavenly Father who wants what is best for us, a sin against our fellow men, and a sin against our spouse, the person we should love and cherish for eternity. It is a destructive force in marriage that diminishes the other person and weakens the bonds between husband and wife.
It is important to take pride into account when working to strengthen your marriage. In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert, states we need to learn to accept influence from our spouse. This means that both husband and wife share power and decision making. It is actively working toward finding common ground rather than sticking to your pride so you can get your own way. By doing this a husband and wife are honoring each other, showing their mutual love and respect.
This is a lot easier said than done. It is basic human nature to want things our way and for situations to benefit us. But for the sake of our marriages, we need to make sacrifices, put our wants and needs to the side, and accept influence from our spouse. The world constantly is telling us this is wrong. We should instead make ourselves happy. Our own needs should come first. If this can’t be achieved than we should leave the marriage and pursue other avenues of happiness. This is a false concept and will not provide lasting happiness. Wallace H. Goddard PhD stated, “When we have tossed sacrifice, obligation, and unselfishness from our contributions to relationships, we have nothing left but an empty egocentrism.” Believing your happiness comes first will never lead you to a fulfilling, happy marriage.
I’ve learned this in my own marriage. Twice, in the short time my husband and I have been together, trying to buy furniture almost ended our marriage. We absolutely couldn’t agree. My husband wanted this specific type of couch. I had my heart set on a specific recliner. I did not want to get both because they didn’t match. He didn’t want the recliner because it wouldn’t be big enough for the family. I couldn’t believe it. He just wanted his couch. He couldn’t even try to find one that matched the chair I wanted. We would go look at furniture and leave angry and frustrated. Unfortunately, that would spill over into other areas of our life. It would start triggering our insecurities and emotions would soon be overflowing. Our little spat of selfishness festered, allowing us to rewrite the story of our love. Nothing good came from our moments of pride. Nothing.
Only through the grace of God did we make it through. We reconnected and worked on our marriage. One day, my husband mentioned our desperate need for new furniture again. He was hesitant. I panicked. However, this time, we sat down together and worked together. We each talked about what we wanted and why we wanted it. We heard what the other said and allowed their influence into the decision making. We both decided to name one thing we couldn’t live without. He wanted a recliner. I wanted it to match. We went to the store after talking it through. I think we were both apprehensive, but we ended up spending a wonderful day trying out couches, chairs, and loveseats. At the end of the day, we found the perfect furniture for both of us. More importantly, we learned a lesson on compromise and putting aside our pride.
When we stopped being selfish and get what only we wanted, the strength of our marriage grew. It was a little humbling to admit the role pride played in earlier circumstances. It didn’t allow either one of us to see each other in loving ways. We had to learn to dig out our pride and selfishness. Neal A. Maxwell, a past leader in my church, has said, “The enlarging of the soul requires not only some remodeling, but some excavating. Hypocrisy, guile, and other imbedded traits do not go gladly or easily…” (This is from a great talk about enduring trials. You can read it here.) Prideful traits don’t go away easily. You have to be intentional to put it aside in favor of developing a satisfying marriage. It isn’t easy, but it can be done. Each day, as you accept influence from one another, you will grow and connect. Working together, you will strengthen your marriage and find peace in the compromises.
Auntie Angie's Advice 