Anger….

“Divorce is often the bitter fruit of anger.” Gordon B. Hinkley

Within every marriage there is conflict. No couple is immune. It is bound to happen because each marriage is a product of two unique individuals, with their own thoughts and feelings, combining to build a life as one. Some conflicts are small and easily solved, others are large or complex. Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert and founder of the Gottman Institute, has found that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual, unsolved conflicts.

            So how do we survive through conflict and continue to strengthen our marriage?

We chose to put anger away and remember our love for each other. Lynn G. Robbins, a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, stated, “Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive.” I felt this was such an accurate description. Even when we speak truth in anger, it is not received in a way that makes your spouse feel loved or valued. Instead, it either ignites your own destructive ire or makes you feel insignificant. In reality, it probably does both.

            Lynn G. Robbins goes on to explain that we have our agency and it is our choice to be angry. When we move into the realm of anger, we are giving into the temptation of Satan to lose our self-control. (You can read the full talk here.) The other night, this was demonstrated perfectly for me.

            My husband and I have a couple of hot buttons, perpetual conflicts. We avoid communicating about these as much as possible because it seems to trigger both of us into rages of frustration, hurt, and anger. The other night was no exception. We were enjoying a dinner alone when the subject came up. It was obvious we were both immediately on the defense. Soon, we were in full blown conflict. Angry words and accusations were flying between the two of us. I can’t speak for him, but for myself, I had nothing good or kind in my heart. I started thinking of every wrong I felt he had ever done to me. No longer did I want to go to our planned date night, to the Temple, a place we go to remember our covenants with God and each other. As a matter of fact, all I could think was that I needed to get rid of him and continue my life on my own. We went from enjoying dinner alone to epic battle in no time flat. While we weren’t using swords or knives, our words pierced and sliced just as effectively. Each of us was left feeling battered, bruised, and broken.

            Thankfully, albeit hours later, I came to my senses. Through prayer and the Holy Ghost, I calmed down. I realized how I was allowing one disagreement to destroy the memory of all the good that was in my husband. The following morning, I felt like he had come to the same conclusion. He was acting as sheepish as I was. We both realized we chose to act in a way that shut out our Heavenly Father’s influence and allowed Satan to step right in.

            Then, I read Gottman’s steps to resolving conflict.

• Soften your start-up – Don’t come at your spouse in an angry way. Chose to be kind, loving, and patient.
• Learn to make and receive repair attempts. – When emotions start to get to high, do something that will put a stop to it and bring you both back down.
• Soothe yourself and each other – Do something that will help your body calm down. Once your calm, help soothe your spouse.
• Compromise – It is the only way to solve marital problems.
• Process any grievances so they don’t linger – Talk with each other about what hurt you. This is not about being right, but about understanding each other better.

(You can learn more about these steps here.)

My husband and I talked again. We agreed we needed to learn how to discuss the issue in a healthier way. We also talked about how we gave up our agency, especially with the level of

anger we showed each other. Together, we have decided we need to work on controlling our anger.

      A past president and prophet of my church, Gordon B. Hinkley, gave us this challenge, “I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved.” (You can read the full talk here.)

      I am going to take that challenge. I want to have a strong and eternal marriage. I want my husband to know how much I love and value him. I can only see positive benefits of learning self-control and eliminating anger from my life. I also, add to President Hinkley’s challenge. Eliminate the anger from your marriage. As you do, you will strengthen your marriage and your love.