“Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD
All married couples experience irritation with their spouse. There are parts of them that you just don’t enjoy. You wish there was a way to dig them out and toss them into the garbage, never to be seen again. We want perfection in the person we’ve committed to love, yet, we don’t get it. Is this a reason to move on, to give up on the promise to honor and cherish? Absolutely not.
As a follower of Jesus Christ, I believe he is the perfect example of how to handle all that we feel is wrong in our marriage. He treated all people, no matter if they were the most righteous or the vilest of sinners, with love and dignity. He never wavered in his charity for others. As a husband or a wife, if we choose to follow His example by showing charity for our spouse, we will be able to help our marriage flourish and strengthen.
Charity is the pure love of Christ. He gives this to us freely. I also believe it is easy for him to give to us because he sees us for who we truly are. Dr. John Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, has stated that the key to overcoming gridlock on issues you can’t avoid is to better understand, acknowledge, and respect the other person’s hopes, aspirations, and wishes, or in other words, dreams. Our dreams are part of our identity that gives us purpose and meaning. By learning these things about our spouse, we learn to understand them better. We start to see our spouse differently and learn who they truly are. We begin to have greater charity towards them.
Last week I worked on a project where I looked at a conflict with my husband from his perspective. One of the conflicts I chose was his desire for a motorcycle. He really wants one as soon as possible. I’m not so sold on it and not thrilled with the extra cost. However, as I started to really listen to his reasons why without judgment, I began to not only understand why he wanted it, but I began to see him in a different way. For my husband, riding a motorcycle is a stress relieving outlet. He started telling me about a bike he had in the past and as he talked, I began to realize that a motorcycle would help him deal with not only our trials of marriage but also the trials in life. Riding a motorcycle would relax him and help bring his emotions back into the present.
As I’ve said before, marriage is hard. If this will help him, doesn’t it also help me? So, we started talking about how we could make this dream of his happen. Because I understand his desire on a deeper level, I am better able to work toward a compromise. My love for him is growing and I am no longer just thinking about what I want or what my needs are in this situation. I am making steps towards seeing him as Christ sees him.
While my example in my own marriage is about a material object, it is more about my reactions to him than the motorcycle. I hadn’t tried to understand my husband. I put myself in the right. I judged him and his desires. I couldn’t see how my criticism only led to anger and defensiveness, causing us to put distance between us. When I worked on myself, let go of my pride, my desires, my view of what was best, I began to see with clearer eyes. I saw the wonderful things in my husband that helped me fall in love with him and I began to understand his desire.
We are all human. I still get irritated. I’m sure it will happen over and over again. However, I am also a disciple of Christ. I know I can continue to learn to be better. I can start applying the principle of charity in my marriage. You can too. Start loving as Christ loves. Strive to understand your spouse and what makes them who they are. As you do, you will find your love for them bloom into something magnificent and strong.
Auntie Angie's Advice 