How often do you feel like you are winning in your relationship? How often do you feel like your spouse is winning? According to Zach Brittle, LMHC, if in your marriage one of you is “winning” than both of you are losing. (You can read his contribution to the Gottman Institute blog here.) A marriage should consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife. Each of you working to build your lives together, sharing power and accepting each other’s influence.
It is harder said than done.
Our loving Heavenly Father wants “our hearts to be knit together”. Henry B. Eyring, an apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has stated that uniting in love is not just ideal, but a necessity. (You can read his talk here.) We must learn to work together in order to overcome marital problems and have a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship. Couples who are united and share power have lower rates of depression and marital problems.
John Gottman, the foremost marriage expert, has explained that when we share influence or take our spouse’s feelings and opinions into account, we are conveying that we love and respect them. Marriages are full of decisions to be made both individually and together. No one likes having a decision made for them, nor do they like a decision to be made that affects them in some way.
I struggle with sharing power in my marriage yet am learning (albeit slowly) that there is a better way. I was a single mom for a long time. This made me incredibly independent, which I don’t believe is a bad thing. What was bad is that when my husband came along, I resisted change. I wanted everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, to be done my way. One day, my husband mentioned he was craving goulash. I love goulash and decided we would make it the next evening for dinner, so went to the store to pick up the ingredients. We found out pretty quickly that there was more than one way to make goulash. We went back and forth until my husband gave up and I got my way. We were making the goulash exactly how I wanted it to be.
It may seem small. After all, it is just goulash, right? But it isn’t just goulash. It represented so many other times that I wouldn’t let go of my power. He was the one who suggested the meal. He was the one who was craving the dish. I was the one who got what I wanted. Why? Because I didn’t share my power or accept his influence. While he didn’t say a word, I could see he was disappointed at not getting the food he was craving. It struck my heart and I realized how I had done wrong. I’ve noticed since then, that when I take a deep breath, step back, and work together with him, instead of against him, we both are happier.
Marion G. Romney, another leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, “They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration.
Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action. They should consult, pray, and
decide together.” (You can read the article here.) I like to follow my own independent course of action. However, there is incredible joy in finding a path with your spouse. Have you ever seen someone’s face light up because you made them something they wanted? It’s amazing!
Satan attacks marriages at every opportunity and loves to create chaos with an unbalance of power. He stirs our hearts up with anger, hatred, and pride. He wants us to be selfish and domineering. He knows this will lead to unhappiness and can cause a true tragedy in separating people who love each other. Heavenly Father, on the other hand, encourages us to work together and unite. He knows that it will be hard to push past our natural tendencies, but he also knows that it will create happiness and strengthen the bonds of our marriages.
Help each other work toward this goal. Evaluate where the power is in your relationship. Work together to be equal in your marriage. You and your spouse will become happier together and you will give strength to your marriage.
Auntie Angie's Advice 